Bearded Journey

I once hid my emotions behind a beard, covering every inch of my expression where no one could guess my feelings. Inches became length of wild, untamable hair fighting its way into my life. My lips soon devoured in the very hair I grew because of no longer caring in my appearance. The scene of sulking and depression left me helpless in the midst of refusal in crying for help. In that moment I felt as if Wyatt Earp and I shared identical dreading of losing ourselves. Darkness covered my thoughts, my mind suffering seizure type relapses with everyone’s voice around me slowly tuning out. My beard signifies strength, accepting hurt and pain as a reminder to become even stronger in my journey. No blade shall ever touch this face, not now nor ever. My beard defines me……. I am strength.

– C.A. Thomas

Lonely

It’s amazing how we all can empathize the same feelings yet project them differently. Displaying a cry for affection and love with millions of people as if we’re all drawing the same lottery pick. Lonely does create darker moments, more reflection of self for a special someone we’re hoping who’ll awaken us from a weary dream. Although lonely strengthens you at times it does weaken possibilities with desperation, leaving yourself vulnerable to the slightest indication of dishonest attention. If lonely taught me anything the lesson was this…… this too shall pass.

– C.A. Thomas

Not Enough Words

Not enough words to explain how I feel, music turned up, windows rolled down as the air brushes my face. Bypassing hurt, exiting anger with the construction of self slowly working against unfinished time. Finding the words in description of my heart cannot be searched, GPS displaying out of range leaving the reliable compass of direction spinning. I wish my words could assist me on the journey of finding my way but sometimes….. there aren't enough words to clarify the emotions running through my mind, not enough words to pinpoint my own happiness or even the beginning of what I'm destined to finish.

– C.A. Thomas

Betrayal

Betrayal, a kiss carrying no meaning, a hug not as trustworthy as the previous. Words no longer distinguishing value as promises drown in expectations of disappointment. Betrayal compared to ice, cold as the premeditation of gentle water forming a cube of ice, hardened in damaging what it touches. The closeness of bondage tampered with elements of suspensional beliefs, triggering curiosity as it paralyzes any hope of good resurrected.  People are capable of change….. betrayal is never forgotten like a dream that’s easy to interpret. 

– C.A. Thomas 

Empty

Sometimes I feel empty, emptiness like a house with no furniture. Staring in a large room where life no longer exists but my very own. Memories I try holding onto slip away as my tears blur the vision of remembrance. It becomes difficult each day gaining an inch of happiness, wondering why you left me so soon? Anger would only diminish my conscious of good I have because of you, yet I question your illness in hopes of God granting you a second chance of life. You loved me at the highest platform of my existence, in return reciprocity became the shower of kisses I drowned you in every chance I took. I can smell the essence of you that made it harder in keeping me away, piecing together an obituary and photo collage that resembles my thoughts of you. Now I realize glancing at a program harboring your smile is much harder to view, a death date solidifying every hope and wish of you returning falsified like an opportunity never circling again. I’m gonna pray my emptiness dissolve, replacing it with love as the concrete my heart shall express in memory of you.

I love you grandma.

Always,

– C.A. Thomas

Pain On Ice 

I’ve been feeling a bit cold lately. Ceiling fan twirling at the highest capacity in a room filled with emptiness. Alarm clock ringing in my ear as a reminder of routine already set in motion, disciplining myself to keep moving forward. The pain occurs the second I glance at her obituary, keeping my thoughts together before entering the world in hopes of hiding my feelings. People display comfort through similar scenarios of loss but even I cannot display emotional sympathy at the moment. I’m finding difficulty accepting the reality of my grandmother’s fate, questioning an angel’s absence who fought so hard to remain below the clouds…… God I miss her, this I understand. I cannot allow hatred to filter my emotional state, instead I should be grateful that suffering shall one day reunite with peace. 

For now my pain shall remain on ice. 

– C.A. Thomas 

May 24th 

On the early morning of Wednesday, May 24th I saw her lying there. Helpless covered her as the echoing of air leaving her body so suddenly. I slowly approach her, leaning over placing a gentle kiss on the frontal lobe of my grandmother, leaning in further whispering in her ear “I love you grandma”. The nurse enters the room, initializing the time of passing as my family and I say our final peace. Proceedings occurring too quickly, never enough time in processing loss, crying without reasoning as it orchestrates sleepless nights. Help me find the words in healing, help me understand the cure to grievance, awaken me from a dream I have to relive for the rest of my life.

Please get me through this….

– C.A. Thomas 

Change Of Address

Home is where I feel at peace, feeling safe with laughter bouncing from wall to wall in a room where nothing matters. Seconds pass, minutes calculated of fun overtaken with joyous memories. Sadness draws in, rethinking wrong turns and regretful choices, witnessing pain as it takes its toll on the very being who embodies love beyond imagination. Tears no longer controlled, anger birthing questions due to lack of understanding till the day “change of address” occurs. No form needed, no explanation necessary for the homegoing solidifying pain at rest. My home is with you, where the fun times are forever compensated with happiness.

This is my “Change Of Address”

– C.A. Thomas 

Save A Place In Heaven For Me.

The time is near, I can sense the upcoming celebration by the sound of your voice. Kisses implanted on the face of soft innocence, carrying small conversation with pieces of memories repeated over. Hold my hand, squeeze as I remind you a battle of pain is no longer your burden to carry. Such strength holding on as if the ending not yet written, weakness slowly overtaking a soul eager to release beyond clouds. I envision you preparing a meal the heavenly father himself would enjoy, praising such a remarkable gift producing three generations of sweet enrichment. When the time comes to reunite with the father, the son and the holy ghost I ask a small favor……. save a place in Heaven for me….. so I may kiss you once more. I’m truly gonna miss you.

I Love You Grandma

– C.A. Thomas

Dying Alone

You’re dying, standing there watching you knowing there’s nothing I can do to prevent this pain you’re feeling. I wish I could pray hard enough to remove the conviction of your suffering, receiving your puckered kisses distracts my sadness with a second of laughter…. not realizing your way of displaying such comical mischief through antagonizing defeat. Tears on the verge of filling my lids I restrain, seeing your teardrops fall as I carry you on to retire for the evening. Death is closing in, thinking I could surpass this seasonal sadness…. I was completely wrong. She’s holding on, she’s smiling, she’s frowning, she’s speaking to the familiar of the unknown, she’s asking questions……. I’m shocked yet afraid at this moment. Please don’t go, don’t leave me, not just yet. One more Thanksgiving of your exhilarating meals, one more Christmas of your homemade Red Velvet cake….. just one last time. :-(…………… I Love you grandma.

– C.A. Thomas