Bearded Journey

I once hid my emotions behind a beard, covering every inch of my expression where no one could guess my feelings. Inches became length of wild, untamable hair fighting its way into my life. My lips soon devoured in the very hair I grew because of no longer caring in my appearance. The scene of sulking and depression left me helpless in the midst of refusal in crying for help. In that moment I felt as if Wyatt Earp and I shared identical dreading of losing ourselves. Darkness covered my thoughts, my mind suffering seizure type relapses with everyone’s voice around me slowly tuning out. My beard signifies strength, accepting hurt and pain as a reminder to become even stronger in my journey. No blade shall ever touch this face, not now nor ever. My beard defines me……. I am strength.

– C.A. Thomas

Text

Keeping my phone close by, like a natural high of you soothing my intentions with a long sound of honest reverberation. Flipping over my phone, testing the sound of a notification hoping it’ll be you. Phone lights up, sound echoes, mattress vibrating every feeling of you coming through. I slide, unlock, glimpsing the message I’d hope in receiving from you but it isn’t. Expectation lowers, heartbeat slows, adrenaline leaves my body in despairing hope as the tide washes away every detail of excitement I once harbored. Fantasy fades, reality blends with life as the final mixture of plain eviscerating taste buds making it difficult in describing what’s real. No point in replying to a message that needs no resuscitation. Let the words of a gentle let down encourage strength to awaken within me…… reminding me I’m someone’s reason to smile through text sent from yours truly.

Sending……

– C.A. Thomas

Lonely

It’s amazing how we all can empathize the same feelings yet project them differently. Displaying a cry for affection and love with millions of people as if we’re all drawing the same lottery pick. Lonely does create darker moments, more reflection of self for a special someone we’re hoping who’ll awaken us from a weary dream. Although lonely strengthens you at times it does weaken possibilities with desperation, leaving yourself vulnerable to the slightest indication of dishonest attention. If lonely taught me anything the lesson was this…… this too shall pass.

– C.A. Thomas

Not Enough Words

Not enough words to explain how I feel, music turned up, windows rolled down as the air brushes my face. Bypassing hurt, exiting anger with the construction of self slowly working against unfinished time. Finding the words in description of my heart cannot be searched, GPS displaying out of range leaving the reliable compass of direction spinning. I wish my words could assist me on the journey of finding my way but sometimes….. there aren't enough words to clarify the emotions running through my mind, not enough words to pinpoint my own happiness or even the beginning of what I'm destined to finish.

– C.A. Thomas

Betrayal

Betrayal, a kiss carrying no meaning, a hug not as trustworthy as the previous. Words no longer distinguishing value as promises drown in expectations of disappointment. Betrayal compared to ice, cold as the premeditation of gentle water forming a cube of ice, hardened in damaging what it touches. The closeness of bondage tampered with elements of suspensional beliefs, triggering curiosity as it paralyzes any hope of good resurrected.  People are capable of change….. betrayal is never forgotten like a dream that’s easy to interpret. 

– C.A. Thomas 

Empty

Sometimes I feel empty, emptiness like a house with no furniture. Staring in a large room where life no longer exists but my very own. Memories I try holding onto slip away as my tears blur the vision of remembrance. It becomes difficult each day gaining an inch of happiness, wondering why you left me so soon? Anger would only diminish my conscious of good I have because of you, yet I question your illness in hopes of God granting you a second chance of life. You loved me at the highest platform of my existence, in return reciprocity became the shower of kisses I drowned you in every chance I took. I can smell the essence of you that made it harder in keeping me away, piecing together an obituary and photo collage that resembles my thoughts of you. Now I realize glancing at a program harboring your smile is much harder to view, a death date solidifying every hope and wish of you returning falsified like an opportunity never circling again. I’m gonna pray my emptiness dissolve, replacing it with love as the concrete my heart shall express in memory of you.

I love you grandma.

Always,

– C.A. Thomas

Pain On Ice 

I’ve been feeling a bit cold lately. Ceiling fan twirling at the highest capacity in a room filled with emptiness. Alarm clock ringing in my ear as a reminder of routine already set in motion, disciplining myself to keep moving forward. The pain occurs the second I glance at her obituary, keeping my thoughts together before entering the world in hopes of hiding my feelings. People display comfort through similar scenarios of loss but even I cannot display emotional sympathy at the moment. I’m finding difficulty accepting the reality of my grandmother’s fate, questioning an angel’s absence who fought so hard to remain below the clouds…… God I miss her, this I understand. I cannot allow hatred to filter my emotional state, instead I should be grateful that suffering shall one day reunite with peace. 

For now my pain shall remain on ice. 

– C.A. Thomas 

Love You That Much

Never realized how much I love you. I could never grow tired of kissing someone that much, missing someone that much, losing someone that much….. but it happened. From witnessing the best and worst of you pain has taken you, leaving you covered in grief with tears for replacement. I never knew love till I met you, had no clue on how to love till you taught me, demonstrating love enabled you to refocus my thinking. Till the end of your final days…… I never realized till now that I love you that much.

– C.A. Thomas 

Save A Place In Heaven For Me.

The time is near, I can sense the upcoming celebration by the sound of your voice. Kisses implanted on the face of soft innocence, carrying small conversation with pieces of memories repeated over. Hold my hand, squeeze as I remind you a battle of pain is no longer your burden to carry. Such strength holding on as if the ending not yet written, weakness slowly overtaking a soul eager to release beyond clouds. I envision you preparing a meal the heavenly father himself would enjoy, praising such a remarkable gift producing three generations of sweet enrichment. When the time comes to reunite with the father, the son and the holy ghost I ask a small favor……. save a place in Heaven for me….. so I may kiss you once more. I’m truly gonna miss you.

I Love You Grandma

– C.A. Thomas

Dying Alone

You’re dying, standing there watching you knowing there’s nothing I can do to prevent this pain you’re feeling. I wish I could pray hard enough to remove the conviction of your suffering, receiving your puckered kisses distracts my sadness with a second of laughter…. not realizing your way of displaying such comical mischief through antagonizing defeat. Tears on the verge of filling my lids I restrain, seeing your teardrops fall as I carry you on to retire for the evening. Death is closing in, thinking I could surpass this seasonal sadness…. I was completely wrong. She’s holding on, she’s smiling, she’s frowning, she’s speaking to the familiar of the unknown, she’s asking questions……. I’m shocked yet afraid at this moment. Please don’t go, don’t leave me, not just yet. One more Thanksgiving of your exhilarating meals, one more Christmas of your homemade Red Velvet cake….. just one last time. :-(…………… I Love you grandma.

– C.A. Thomas