Betrayal

Betrayal, a kiss carrying no meaning, a hug not as trustworthy as the previous. Words no longer distinguishing value as promises drown in expectations of disappointment. Betrayal compared to ice, cold as the premeditation of gentle water forming a cube of ice, hardened in damaging what it touches. The closeness of bondage tampered with elements of suspensional beliefs, triggering curiosity as it paralyzes any hope of good resurrected.  People are capable of change….. betrayal is never forgotten like a dream that’s easy to interpret. 

– C.A. Thomas 

Empty

Sometimes I feel empty, emptiness like a house with no furniture. Staring in a large room where life no longer exists but my very own. Memories I try holding onto slip away as my tears blur the vision of remembrance. It becomes difficult each day gaining an inch of happiness, wondering why you left me so soon? Anger would only diminish my conscious of good I have because of you, yet I question your illness in hopes of God granting you a second chance of life. You loved me at the highest platform of my existence, in return reciprocity became the shower of kisses I drowned you in every chance I took. I can smell the essence of you that made it harder in keeping me away, piecing together an obituary and photo collage that resembles my thoughts of you. Now I realize glancing at a program harboring your smile is much harder to view, a death date solidifying every hope and wish of you returning falsified like an opportunity never circling again. I’m gonna pray my emptiness dissolve, replacing it with love as the concrete my heart shall express in memory of you.

I love you grandma.

Always,

– C.A. Thomas

Pain On Ice 

I’ve been feeling a bit cold lately. Ceiling fan twirling at the highest capacity in a room filled with emptiness. Alarm clock ringing in my ear as a reminder of routine already set in motion, disciplining myself to keep moving forward. The pain occurs the second I glance at her obituary, keeping my thoughts together before entering the world in hopes of hiding my feelings. People display comfort through similar scenarios of loss but even I cannot display emotional sympathy at the moment. I’m finding difficulty accepting the reality of my grandmother’s fate, questioning an angel’s absence who fought so hard to remain below the clouds…… God I miss her, this I understand. I cannot allow hatred to filter my emotional state, instead I should be grateful that suffering shall one day reunite with peace. 

For now my pain shall remain on ice. 

– C.A. Thomas 

Love You That Much

Never realized how much I love you. I could never grow tired of kissing someone that much, missing someone that much, losing someone that much….. but it happened. From witnessing the best and worst of you pain has taken you, leaving you covered in grief with tears for replacement. I never knew love till I met you, had no clue on how to love till you taught me, demonstrating love enabled you to refocus my thinking. Till the end of your final days…… I never realized till now that I love you that much.

– C.A. Thomas 

Save A Place In Heaven For Me.

The time is near, I can sense the upcoming celebration by the sound of your voice. Kisses implanted on the face of soft innocence, carrying small conversation with pieces of memories repeated over. Hold my hand, squeeze as I remind you a battle of pain is no longer your burden to carry. Such strength holding on as if the ending not yet written, weakness slowly overtaking a soul eager to release beyond clouds. I envision you preparing a meal the heavenly father himself would enjoy, praising such a remarkable gift producing three generations of sweet enrichment. When the time comes to reunite with the father, the son and the holy ghost I ask a small favor……. save a place in Heaven for me….. so I may kiss you once more. I’m truly gonna miss you.

I Love You Grandma

– C.A. Thomas

Dying Alone

You’re dying, standing there watching you knowing there’s nothing I can do to prevent this pain you’re feeling. I wish I could pray hard enough to remove the conviction of your suffering, receiving your puckered kisses distracts my sadness with a second of laughter…. not realizing your way of displaying such comical mischief through antagonizing defeat. Tears on the verge of filling my lids I restrain, seeing your teardrops fall as I carry you on to retire for the evening. Death is closing in, thinking I could surpass this seasonal sadness…. I was completely wrong. She’s holding on, she’s smiling, she’s frowning, she’s speaking to the familiar of the unknown, she’s asking questions……. I’m shocked yet afraid at this moment. Please don’t go, don’t leave me, not just yet. One more Thanksgiving of your exhilarating meals, one more Christmas of your homemade Red Velvet cake….. just one last time. :-(…………… I Love you grandma.

– C.A. Thomas