Chapter 17

At times I catch myself struggling in closing a chapter. So hesitant leaving the bookmark of hope partially tucked away as if I’m waiting for a much promising outcome or conclusion. For 17 years this very answer stared me in the eyes, the answer was even more blatant once I realized no matter how many times you watch a film, the ending remains the same although the point of view changes. The hardest chapter of my life is now officially closed….. what happens now?

Stay tuned

– C.A. Thomas

The Best Way We Know How.

Inspired by a dear friend

People project themselves the best way they know how. Loving the best way they know how, distancing themselves from us the best way they know how yet we never observe the uncertainty of their actions. It’s easy harboring unnecessary anger and confusion when the answer to our very questions lie before our eyes. We deal with life the best way we know how, display our emotions the best way we know how till our heart no longer beats the way it should. We take breaths the best way we know how, live the only way we know how till time slows us all down the way it’s intended to be. We smile the best way, frown the worst way with laughing as a means to escape momentarily. If we’re ever held accountable for anything….. it’s simply experiencing life the best way we know how.

– C.A. Thomas

From Here On Out.

From here on out things will change. Is it the kinda change in hopes of promoting such positivity that lures others within my grasp? Alluring words filled with captivity within my presence intrigued by a healing smile that’s eager to set free. I only desire in becoming the best I can truly become, which I find difficult at times but yet have I not given up on this quest. From here on out I can only expect such results within myself that I hold accountable, never blaming anyone’s words nor actions but indeed thanking them in the teachings of growth, maturity and humility. From here on out things will be different, my life shall be different….. and only I can bring out this complete change…. from here on out.

– C.A. Thomas

I’m ready

I’m ready for many things, many situations to occur when least expected. I’m ready for life as it breathes deeply within me. I’m ready for love, already sewn beneath my flesh. I’m ready to express the very feelings responsible for the man I’ve grown to outfit, suiting every detail of character I’ve established in the distinction of time. Responsibility inherited the words “I’m ready” every opportunity my feet touches the floor beside my bed, motivation working its way through the course of my body. I’m ready to live, as existence overran my mind for some time. I’ve always been ready, not because of this…… are you ready?

– C.A. Thomas

Bearded Journey

I once hid my emotions behind a beard, covering every inch of my expression where no one could guess my feelings. Inches became length of wild, untamable hair fighting its way into my life. My lips soon devoured in the very hair I grew because of no longer caring in my appearance. The scene of sulking and depression left me helpless in the midst of refusal in crying for help. In that moment I felt as if Wyatt Earp and I shared identical dreading of losing ourselves. Darkness covered my thoughts, my mind suffering seizure type relapses with everyone’s voice around me slowly tuning out. My beard signifies strength, accepting hurt and pain as a reminder to become even stronger in my journey. No blade shall ever touch this face, not now nor ever. My beard defines me……. I am strength.

– C.A. Thomas

Life Afterwards

I wonder what’s beyond the doors of where I report? The smell of freedom looming in the air as my day comes to a close. A place I have no desire in retiring, no place of closing my eyes one final time. These walls have consumed familiarity, the people have outgrown the laughs, the building grows smaller through every turn of each corner. I think it’s time I look beyond the exit for more of what’s in store for me. There’s always more for the eye of the seeker…… but only the seeker must have faith in believing there’s more than what the eye can truly see.

My time is now.

– C.A. Thomas

Personal Description

Thirty four years on this earth and I’m changing. More cautious if not hesitant in who I open up to. My heart and feelings are all I have to relinquish and as freely as I’m prepared to do so I realize the importance of honesty in the handling of something valuable and priceless to me. Let’s get personal for a moment. Hurt is familiar as the air we breathe, toxic as the energy fed on us from unhappiness laced with hatred. Exposed to wrong doings, misunderstandings as it translates to wanting the inevitable damn near impossible brink of the “ever after” we all deserve. Accepting the realization of truth…. living the lesson of experience versus interpreting theories based on other’s choices, which we should not pursue.

This is my personal description… define yours.

– C.A. Thomas


Never understood the true definition of friendship till I met you. As kids our paths were on different courses, this beautiful young girl who blossomed into such a brilliant woman has survived many obstacles throughout her life and remains to smile through it all. The postcards, the texts, the laughs, the have a great day gestures are the reminder of what love truly is and how it should be demonstrated. Sometimes I feel as if I don’t deserve your friendship, your kindness, your genuineness yet you think of me enough in saving me. As I’m sitting here writing this I want you to know….. how special you are to me. The world could use more people like you….. I’m grateful in knowing you.

– C.A. Thomas


Keeping my phone close by, like a natural high of you soothing my intentions with a long sound of honest reverberation. Flipping over my phone, testing the sound of a notification hoping it’ll be you. Phone lights up, sound echoes, mattress vibrating every feeling of you coming through. I slide, unlock, glimpsing the message I’d hope in receiving from you but it isn’t. Expectation lowers, heartbeat slows, adrenaline leaves my body in despairing hope as the tide washes away every detail of excitement I once harbored. Fantasy fades, reality blends with life as the final mixture of plain eviscerating taste buds making it difficult in describing what’s real. No point in replying to a message that needs no resuscitation. Let the words of a gentle let down encourage strength to awaken within me…… reminding me I’m someone’s reason to smile through text sent from yours truly.


– C.A. Thomas

Disappointment (Perception’s Reality)

Has disappointment become apart of the normal? Do we as beings rely on this train of thought in hopes of defending our very own feelings, depriving our happiness? It’s crazy how our expectations of others could be so low, less hopeful, quick in pointing out flaws that narrates the characters we’re known to portray. Giving up on one another becomes easier to accomplish than realizing the power of influence we could have on one another. It doesn’t take a genius to identify this nightmare of disappointment but relying on it only creates harder in convincing. Only we can disappoint ourselves, not the individuals we easily rely on for assistance.

– C.A. Thomas